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Better Pork
October 2016
SECOND
LOOK
I
magine if you tried to build
Noah’s Ark in this day and age.
How to do it is not the issue: you
can easily find instructions about its
dimensions in Genesis 6:16. “Make
for yourself an ark of ‘gopher wood,’”
they begin. “You shall cover it inside
and out with pitch. / This is how you
shall make it: the length of the ark
three hundred cubits, its breadth fifty
cubits, and its height thirty cubits.
You shall make a window for the ark,
and finish it to a cubit from the top;
and set the door of the ark in the side
of it; you shall make it with lower,
second, and third decks.”
Now, imagine taking the plan
and the dimensions as described in
Genesis into your local municipality.
You start by saying you anticipate a
major flood (after all, climate change
extremes are predicted). After getting
interrogated for inciting terrorism,
you get to see the local planner –
who laughs and gives you a list of
prerequisites: local plan adherence,
neighbourhood feasibility study,
engineers’ drawings, municipal engi-
neer’s review, fire inspector review,
environmental plan, septic system
plans and bills, triple washrooms,
garbage disposal and recycling, high-
way set backs, electrical stamp, boat
safety equipment, wheelchair acces-
sibility, noise restrictions, electrical
code adherence and anything else the
building inspector can think of along
the way. One of the challenges was
to maintain cage-free loose housing
within the fifty cubits. We haven’t
even talked yet to the real enforcers:
Fisheries and Oceans Canada!
These prerequisites reminded me
of the other biblical story of the 40-
year journey.
Let’s gather the supplies and ani-
mals. Now you have the Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals,
People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals, Toronto Pig Save, animal
rightists, animal welfare societies,
Neighbourhood Watch, humane
societies, World Wildlife Fund,
Mercy For Animals, vegans, Jane
Goodall Institute of Canada, Alley
Cat Rescue, Animal Liberation Front,
Peoples Animal Welfare Society, just
to name a few.
The plan called for “gopher wood.”
Conservation authorities are restrict-
ing the harvest of gopher wood to
save the animals in the forest, but an
imitation wood from a developing
country may be available.
The 40-year journey is getting
more realistic.
OK, let’s get a work crew together.
The carpenters, plumbers, pipe fit-
ters, painters, electricians and seafar-
ers have to be unionized (unless it’s
cash). There’s a lot of paperwork to
complete during the hiring process to
comply with human resources poli-
cies. Now, I am beginning to think
40 years isn’t long enough!
The next step is a financial plan.
How much do I need to pay to buy
two elephants, monkeys, zebras, etc?
I go online. An emailed offer
quickly arrives. Send the blueprint
and everything will be provided for
half the cost, provided I supply the
client list (Genesis 6:16).
The one line in the financials
shows that the insurance costs are
exorbitant. The insurer wants all the
medical conditions, environmental
plans and history of each species.
The contract excludes natural major
floods and disasters. It also excludes
out-of-country travel.
Now, we need to feed the animals.
Here we go: the health departments
(municipal, provincial, national
and international), Canadian Food
Inspection Agency, public health,
foreign diseases, Ontario Ministry
of Transportation and the U.S. Food
and Drug Administration (whoever
they are) wait on the sidelines.
Now we need a consultant, proj-
ect coordinator, human resources
department, lawyer, accountant and
public relations officer.
What started as a dream is becom-
ing more of a nightmare!
No wonder both the Bible and
Qur’an suggest that Noah’s Ark was
built in the desert wilderness far,
far away from inspectors, advocacy
groups, conservationists, unions,
social media and bureaucrats.
BP
Richard Smelski has over 35 years of
agribusiness experience and farms in the
Shakespeare area.
Red tape awaits today’s Noah’s Ark
When he built an ark to save the world’s animals, all Noah had to do was find materials, supplies
and the animals. What if he had tackled this project in our age of paperwork and protest?
by RICHARD SMELSKI
OurPersonalPhotographer/Creative RF/Getty Images